just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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