It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
