She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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