OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
