are you still at the devil's house?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
