In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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