Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
