I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
