Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
