I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
