am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
