i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
