Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
