the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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