Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
