I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
