Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
