giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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