went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
