my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
