Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
