Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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