my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
