please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
