Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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