I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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