Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
