Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
