I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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