my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
