the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
