How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
