Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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