I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
