Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
