New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
