I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
