ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
