I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
