I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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