im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize