He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
