Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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