She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
