So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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