I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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