he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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