Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
