Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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