shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
