That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
